.:everytime i close my eyes, i tremble with fear:.

Thursday, May 29
First words you say in tears
complaining how I'm never near
I know I'm lost sometimes
cause I'm grounded in my mind
it's like this, it's like this all the time
first I say you're ok then I go my way
and you're desperate, so desperate when you're down

Here I stand, take my hand
and I'll try to understand you right
understand you right in the best way that I can
cause after all I am your friend

Last words you scream to me
you don't expect too much of me
cause I could give you anything if I just could be myself
It's like that, it's like that that all the time
first I say that you're ok then I go my way again
you're so desperate, you're so desperate but still mine

Here I stand, take my hand
and I'll try to understand you right
understand you right in the best way that I can
cause after all I am your friend

Now the girl is working, now the girl feels fine
now the girl is working, and I am the one who feels down
yeah the girl is working, yeah the girl is right
but if she'll be working until the end of time

And I hope that she will understand me then
in the best way that she can
cause after all I'm her friend

And I hope that she will understand me then
in the best way that she can
cause after all I am her friend until the end

-millencolin, 'frens til the end'-

it took me a long time b4 i switched on the laptop to surf on to my fav sites. yeah, i read the blogs n i expect the expected. nonetheless, i was moved by each of my own fren's entries. tears rolled down my eyes. i den realised dat wat i used to haf is now really gone. it always haf been my principle dat i put frens over love. at one point of time frens were important to me. i wud do anything fer a fren. seriously anything up to the fact that i wud not attend or leave halfway at a family gathering juz to slack wif my frens. dats how high i position my frens, above my family and a loved one.
Nobody knew why i made a drastic change. and after all that, i exactly know their reactions even b4 i changed. coz i know them. they're my frens. if i knew they wud react dat way, y i still did it? maybe because i wanted to know whether they still care or maybe i wanted to know how bz they are until they dun noe wat the hell happened. it may sound selfish n childish but dis is the only way dat i can find out.

i knew a fren who really bothered to take care of me. always wanting me to lead to the right path. always nagging at me when i do stupid things. always there when i need her. the truth, i never cared. i took her fer granted. i thank her fer all the small little things she has done fer me. but i was never there fer her. i was never there when she fought wif him. i was never there when he hit her, in fact i juz looked on. i was never there to shelter her under my roof, in fact i asked an aquantaince to do dat. i was never there whenever she needs me...and im sorry. i really am. i dun noe y i called myself "a fren of afah's" when im really not acting out like one.

i once tried to save a frenship between these 5 gerls called F.I.A.N.A. coz i felt that we're no longer together as a group but more of like "when i need den i'll call you". even the lunch outing to sakura didnt last long. everybody went their seperate ways right after the gath. maybe wat ppl say is true..."nothing good last forever".

i moved on wif my life juz to find out later dat im missing them one by one. i started to hang out wif the wrong crowd. i started to procastinate in my assignments and projects. school was a bore to me. all i can think of in my mind was to enjoy myself while it last. its too late to regret now. i am a drop out. yeah. i drop out of school. a thing which i found 'cool' last time. i wasnt surprised they were shocked by my reason fer dropping out. all thanks to Adriana Bte Salleh. my ex-girlfriend. yeah. im dating a girl. im a lesbian. a lesbian who is stubborn not to listen to her fren's advices. a lesbian who once considered frens were important to her. a lesbian who regrets it all...

not to say this is a gd point but i once survived in school when i had an arguement wif irma. i had to see the section head coz i always left the classes halfway. how am i supposed to concentrate when i was thinking of her? i end up staring blankly at the lecturer.
this is when afah comes to the picture. i argued wif irma, i confided in afah. dat has always been the procedure. but it has gone way too much. coz i noe afah is fed up wif da same old story but sumhow i cant help myself coz everytime i come to her, she'll always make me feel confident of myself again. i feel like shit. i've always looked up to her n regard her as a role model but...

i am so confused. maybe not dat confused. maybe im not confused at all. maybe i juz wanna make myself confused when i know exactly what i'm supposed to do. maybe i still dun wanna accept the fact dat im growing old. maybe im juz too afraid to grow old. maybe im too afraid to accept that im mature enough to be independent, which i already am but its not an easy thing. im juz afraid dat i'll die...a lonely person.

im listening to the radio n Jikustik is playing 'Maaf' on RIA. i was 1st introduced to this song by iza. this song reminded me of her. she gave me this song when i had a big fight with her. i still remember how irma accept her as a fren n how both of them bullied me at cahaya rest. when we were havin lunch. i am so pissed to see him there. anyways, i was happy to see them happy.

i feel like having a long walk to the 7-11 n buy myself a pack of marlboro menthol lights. i hate it when things like these impact on me. i dun work well under pressure. this is really stressing me out. argh?

Monday, May 26
ur blog, ur blog. my blog, MY blog. dats how it'll werk from now onwards ey? like, fuck it lah k? u can juz say it str8 to my face n wait fer my 5 secs late reaction. watever it is, thankz grl. i really do appreciate it. i was tryin to save my credits fer the interviews but there u go hafin the sms war wif me. which in fact, i didnt mind at all coz afterall u WERE my fren....
sneaked back home, tryin to find my drumsticks....yeah, im startin to jam again....i miss the old jamming sessions wif my band....i haf been makin songs while i was away and i shud say its pretty gd......much more better den the 'nabuey cibai' song....heh...
maybe its the state of growing out of the adolesence age that we're behaving in a way where we hurt each other with sarcastic remarks that we dun even realise. am i makin sense at all here?
u dun care, i dun care, she dun care.........y shud we CARE?
fuck it....im goin nowhere......





.:tHe PasT:.

the world is mine now, to hell with you...

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